The Lost Art of Conversation

Five Questions to Ask Your Friends Over Coffee

By Meghan Ryan Asbury

Why does it feel like we have such a hard time living in the moment? It seems like once we achieve a milestone, we quickly move on to the next without even pausing to celebrate. This pattern is particularly noticeable in matters of love, career, and other significant accomplishments. For instance, questions about the wedding arise shortly after entering a new relationship. After returning from the honeymoon, everyone seems eager to know about your plans to have kids. Similarly, with a new job, people ask, “Do you enjoy your work? Do you see yourself staying for the long haul?” Or, it can feel like you’ve just finished unpacking and decorating your new home when someone asks, “Are you planning to stay here, or are you considering moving to a larger place in a better area?” The quizzing can feel paralyzing and cause you to question if you are making the right choices.

If you’ve ever experienced this, you are not alone. For example, six months into dating my now-husband, I started hearing questions like, “Is it serious? Are you planning to move to Nashville, where he lives? Do you both talk about marriage?” This made me feel like I needed to have all the answers quickly as life unfolded in real-time.

People generally mean well when they ask these questions. However, by adding to the existing stresses of life, this pressure forces us to look ahead constantly and falsely convinces us to pursue the next life achievement. Even in casual conversations with friends, we often focus on the new events occurring in our lives. In these discussions, you may suddenly feel a wave of dread or envy when you realize nothing is new or that many of your aspirations remain unfulfilled. The spiral begins as you ponder: Does everyone expect me to have something new happening? Your life is constantly being judged on a scale, leaving you to wonder whether your life will pass or fail. Unfortunately, these pressures cause us to miss out on enjoying the here and now, and nearly everyone experiences this feeling. What if we stopped measuring the value of life solely by the big and exciting events?

When we find ourselves craving our next amazing vacation, wishing to find love, or hoping to achieve the next significant milestone in our careers, remember we spend most minutes of our lives in the mundane rather than the extraordinary. Take, for example, Jesus. The Bible tells us He had remarkable achievements, like healing the blind and the lepers, turning water into wine, feeding thousands with just five baskets of bread, filling empty nets with an abundance of fish, walking on water, and, of course, His resurrection. But what about all the periods in between? Read any of the accounts of His life (Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John). You’ll notice Jesus spent most of His time in the mundane—walking, sleeping, eating, drinking, spending time with His friends, meditating with God—none of which were glamorous, yet He fully lived each day with purpose and meaning. My point is there are ways to make the seemingly boring moments more meaningful and impactful.

Next time you catch up with a friend (or friends) over coffee, don’t let the internal anxiety of “I don’t know what to talk about” affect you. We all crave deeper relationships and less awkward conversations, but how can we achieve that? We can start by changing our conversations through different questions. This approach helps me avoid feeling behind when someone asks for a life update and alleviates that pressure for the people around me.

So, instead of focusing on “What’s new?” here are five topics to help keep the conversation in a less stressful realm:

These questions encourage the other person to feel seen, loved, and valued for who they are rather than what they have going on a “bigger” scale. I’ve used them and can attest that they typically spark richer dialogue and help deepen friendships. I save them on my phone and regularly update the list with new ones, so the next time I grab a coffee or take a walk with a friend, I can show them more love by engaging in deeper conversations.

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Find more conversation starters at MeghanRyanAsbury.myflodesk.com/questions.

Meghan Ryan Asbury is an author and speaker who is passionate about helping people discover and live out their God-given callings. She has worked in international ministries as well as with Proverbs 31 Ministries. When she’s not surrounded by friends, you can usually find her reading a book or enjoying the great outdoors. A 30-A beach girl, born and raised, she and her husband now reside in Nashville. Her first book, You Are Not Behind: Building a Life You Love Without Having Everything You Want, is available wherever books are sold. You can connect with her on Instagram @meghanryanasbury and at AlwaysMeghan.com.